Struggling is an understatement.
I am in pain.
Anger-yes!
Hurt-yes!
Sadness-yes!
Confusion-yes!
Guilt- double yes!
Pain. Pain. Pain.
How to people get through the death of a loved one-especially where the person was killed or died way too young? I have never felt sadness like this before. I have never felt this kind of a loss.
How does one get through?
So many questions keep popping in to my head and the damn "What Ifs....."
What if we never moved to Ellensburg?
What if we never took the cat house from Jennifer's?
What if we didn't have a covered porch (this was the reason we felt it was ok to let them "live" outside)?
What if we lived in a different house?
What if I hadn't not been so eager to make them sleep outside at night (the biggest killer of my heart)?
What if when I saw her before I had gone inside for the night I had called her over and loved on her for a few minutes.
What if
What if
What if
......this would have never happened.
I barely saw her that day-the day it happened.
I didn't get to love on her that day very much because she was either sleeping soundly in my bed or out exploring.
I didn't get to take a photo of her yet I was able to get photos of all the other cats that day.
I was sleeping soundly inside while she was scared and crossing a new street with new sounds and light and then........
-STOP ALREADY-
How does one make the internal monologue STOP?
Please, tell me!
I am hurting in places deep down I've never hurt before.
I hate this-and I don't hate things.
I hate that I can still see her blood on the street right near our house.
I hate that I will never get to hold her again and kiss her again and tell her how much I love her.
I hate that I am so stupidly selfish that I made them sleep outside at night. What was I thinking??
I hate that I feel this way when I just want to move on.
I hate that I look outside and expect to see her in her favorite spots but don't.
I hate that she is just gone....just like that...no warning...no preparation, just gone.
And, every time I see a car drive by I wonder if it was the one that hit her. Why did it happen? How exactly did it happen? Did they do it on purpose......
What would I ever do if something like this happened to a family member?
Oh my gosh, the thoughts alone would drive me insane (figuratively speaking).
But in the midst of this gut wrenching pain there are glimpses of joy.
I started to cry outside today while looking and waiting for Squeakers to just appear.
Grace held my face, brought me some "baby fairies" and told me it was going to be ok.
Grace told me not to be sad and that we would see her again in heaven; that it does take a long time but it will all be ok. She had me pick flowers with her and then we laid them down for Squeakers. She smiled at me with the biggest smile and said "Mom, do you feel better now?" Then she giggled and kissed above the flowers and said good bye to Squeakers again. I cried more. She hugged me and asked me if they were happy tears. Yes they were! Tears of hope.
And then I remember that God is in control.
In control of the good & the bad.
I don't have to understand everything. I don't have to know why everything happened. I don't even have to like that something happened. But, I know that everything happens for a reason and that "weeping may remain at night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
I can't not wait for the rejoicing--there is a time and place for everything. And I am, for now, in a time of morning. But, soon-yes, soon the rejoicing will come. Praise God.
Thank you for the phone calls.
Thank you to all those who have been praying for us.
Thank you to all who just love us.
I can feel it.
Thank you Loren for letting me cry on your shoulder over and over again.
Thank you Grace for your wisdom and you joy.
And, to those who are suffering through a loss of any kind....my heart truly goes out to you.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Our last day with Squeakers (I am sorry I don't have any photos of her from this day).......
A party for the baby fairies
And, how we've found joy after her death.....
God, thank you for your Grace and Mercy.
Thank you for healing my heart slowly each day.
I can not wait to write next and tell you how my heart has healed fully.
Until then thank you for your continued prayers and compassion.
3 comments:
What a beautiful post!!
Huge hugs Mel. I can tell your heart was poured into this post. Squeakers was a gift in your family's life and I hope you have peace about it soon and only remember the joy she brought to you.
Mel my heart is going out to you. I too know the pain you are feeling, when I lost maisy I literally knelt in the street and sobbed. Murray didn't know what on earth had happened when he pulled in his car and found me. The pain is terrible. The what ifs ate me alive for 3 weeks while I grieved. What if I hadn't let her out at midnight when she asked, why didn't I notice she didn't come in in the morning? Who did it? Why was she up on the main road. Around and around and around. In the end I had to persuade myself that it was because she was a cat, cats want to be out at night. They live to be outdoors.
None of this is your fault.
It is so hard losing someone who depends on you, who you see everyday, who lives with you. Someone who you know where they are without even looking for them, you know them so well.
Squeakers knew she was loved and your baby girl has some very wise words for you. I am sending you love and understanding, it will get easier I promise XXXXXXX
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