Notes Part 1: Positive Discipline A-Z by:Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott and H. Stephen Glenn

PG. 5-13

Part 1: Basic Positive Discipline Parenting Tools

FAMILY MEETINGS
This was more for old kids, so no real notes.
If you would more info about this let me know.

KIND AND FIRM
-Strictness & permissiveness do not help children develop the life skills they need to be happy, contributing, capable young people.
-Firmness means using appropriate parenting principles with confidence. Kindness means maintaing dignity and respect for yourself and your child while using those parenting principles.
-Firmness with kindness guides children to cooperate and learn boundaries while feeling secure.

ASK WHAT, HOW AND WHY QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF TELLING
Too many parents tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it. Telling discourages children from developing their wisdom and judgment, figuring out consequences, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn.
-We help children develop thinking and judgment skills by asking them: What happened? Why do you think it happened? How do you feel about it? How could you use this understanding next time?
-Be aware that why questions are often inappropriate and when exploring personal motives or feelings. Asking, "Why did you do that?" or "Why do you feel that way." or "Why are you angry?" sounds judgmental and threatening. It is difficult for people to respond to these questions because they invoke defensiveness and feelings of inadequacy.

I NOTICE
Don't ask set up questions--One in which you already know the answer and still ask for the purpose of trapping your child: "Did you do your homework?" "Did you brush your teeth?"
-Instead of asking set up questions use I Notice. "I notice you didn't brush your teeth. Let's do that now."

CHOICES
Whenever appropriate, give children a choice between at least two acceptable options.
-Young children need limited choices. As children get older, the choices need to be much broader, or you invite power struggle.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
-Are simple and very effective in the learning process. Natural Consequences happen naturally. Children learn naturally if parents can resist the urge to rescue or punish them.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
Parental intervention is required when natural consequences would not be appropriate because of danger (someone being hurt) or unacceptable long-rang results (rotten teeth).
3 R's of Logical Consequences: Related, Respectful and Reasonable to both child and parent.
-They can be non-verbal. For example-if a toddler treats a dog roughly, quietly remove teh child or the dog, etc.

GOING BEYOND CONSEQUENCES
Too many parents and teachers use logical consequences as a way to make kids pay for what they have done instead of focusing on solutions for the future. They think they are disguising punishment by using the words logical consequences. We have 8 suggestions to make sure consequences are not disguised punishment.

1. If it isn't obvious, It isn't logical

2. Focus on solutions instead of consequences
-It is a mistake to think there must be a logical consequence for every behavior. Try putting less emphasis on consequences and more on problem solving.

3. Get kids involved in solutions.
-They are more likely to keep agreements in which they have ownership. They develop confidence and healthy self-esteem when they are listened to, taken seriously and valued for their contribution. When they feel belonging and significance, they feel less need to misbehave and are more willing to learn from their mistakes and work on solutions to problems.

4. Focus on future instead of past

5. Avoid Piggybacking
It's easy for parents to turn consequences into punishment by piggybacking. We piggyback when we enforce consequences with an attitude of making the child pay. Piggybacking is adding something to the consequence that is unnecessary and hurtful, such as: "maybe this will teach you!" "You can just sit there and think about what you did."
-Piggybacking punishes for the past instead of solving for the future. It is based on a belief that we have to make children feel worse in order to make them do better.

6. Plan Ahead.
Kids won't feel punished if they help decide consequences in advance.

7. Opportunity=Responsibility=Consequence

8. Revealed: the 4th R of Logical Consequences
-The consequence can be Revealed.
For example: people who use the living room disrespectfully will be asked to leave the room until they are ready to use it respectfully. To increase responsibility, accountability, and shared power, it is effective to add, "You decide how much time you think you need to cool off and calm down."

FOLLOW-THROUGH
Follow-through means parents decide what they are going to do and then follow through with kind and firm actions instead of lectures and punishment.
When you use words, keep the message short-ten words or less-and stick to the issue.
-The child is learning about responsibility
-One of the greatest gifts for a child is the opportunity to learn about treating oneself and others with dignity and respect, which you so beautifully demonstrated.